Deep. Dive. Into. What.

Problem Statement:  Going on vacation and have decided to be screen free for a week. This includes no kindle or iPad.

Acknowledgement: This is not a real problem.

My sister: Calls non-problems like these champagne problems.

Justification of Pressure: If pick a dud, will not be able to download something else.

Opinions: Brought this up with fellow writer yesterday who said: "I went screen-free for three weeks last summer and it was wonderful. I spent six months curating the most interesting list of..."

Oh: Leaving shortly and so far curation strategy has been wandering from bookshelf to bookshelf to see if there are any books lying around that I haven't read and that don't weigh a lot.

Roasted: "That isn't going to work," said fellow writer. "You need to take a deep dive."

Problem Statement #2 (Acknowledgment implied):  Deep Dive Into What.

Crime Books Would be Perfect for this But: If I'm going to deep dive into anything, it really should be non-fiction because I got to keep my head in the game (first draft of new book due Jan 15).

Also: Crime books weigh a ton.

Other Things That Swirled Around in My Head: Am listening to James Patterson Masterclass where he says that it's interesting to combine things from all different parts of your life and that's how you come up with the best plots. Before that, I listened to Malcolm Gladwell who says that Janet Malcolm is a writer's writer and that she takes deep dives into her topics and that he never understood why she is not a huge commercial success.

Doing the Math: James Patterson's advice to combine a bunch of thoughts (Fellow Writer's suggestion to deep dive + Malcolm Gladwell's recommendation for an author that deep dives) - Crime/Suspense/Thrillers = Problem Solved.

In Case You're Confused: Which means between inter-library loan and amazon I now have six books by Janet Malcolm in my hot little hands.

Also: Deep diving on vacation can mean different things to different people.

This Was Supposed To Be An Obituary

This Blog nearly died a tragic death today but CPR was administered by four local bloggers and a vat of tzaziki.

Blog was seen gasping for air and clutching a souvlaki pita until Blogger 1 stepped in and said “I will not let you perish!”

Amy Fish, writer of the Blog attempted to defend herself with the statement “I haven’t written a word since May, I honestly thought she had passed away peacefully.”

Onlookers believe that Fish has committed herself to a book and  has not devoted enough time and sunshine to the Blog. “I heard Amy got a book deal from New World Library in, California”

said an onlooker who asked that her name not be used. 

Fish confirmed that she does have a book coming out November 2019  “I Wanted Fries With That: How to Ask for What You Want and Get What You Need”, but she added “that’s not why I left the Blog behind, is anyone finishing that Greek Salad?”

Local bloggers convinced Amy that the Blog was worth saving, even if she only contributes sporadically. They also suggested she skip the onions next lunch.
“What if you have something to say and the Blog is gone?” Insisted Blogger 2 quite loudly. “Then you won’t have a platform!”

The Blog was last seen passing out breath freshener and sticks of mint gum. 

She is grateful to be alive and thanks all the local Bloggers for their CPR, TLC and SEO.

Put Away Your Grapefruit Scented Bath Bombs and Your White Chocolate Kitkats

Here's what I want for Mother's Day this year:

I want you to talk to your kids about sex.

Reasons Why This Is Important:
1. Sex can be complicated and can get kids into trouble
2. If your kids get into trouble it will eventually become your problem
3. Lots of sex related issues are preventable with information
4. You have the information that can help your kids

Reasons This May Not Pertain To You:
1. Your kids are too old
2. Your kids are too young
3. You do not have kids

What To Do In Those Situations
1. Skip over today's blog and we'll catch you next time. Thanks for showing up.

Amount of People Who Have Told Me They Don't Have to Talk About Sex With Their Kids Because Their Kids Aren't Having Sex

1. Too many to count

Amount of People Who I Think Are Dreaming in Technicolour May Be Underestimating Their Kids' Sexual Knowledge and Involvement

1. 100%

Risk of Talking About Sex With Your Kids Even If They Are Not Currently Engaging

1. Zero risk. Information is always a good thing.

Suggested Sex Topics for Discussion With Examples

1. Condoms.

• Idea for how to bring up the topic: Let's say your kid is older and going away for the summer. Bring packing list into room and say: "Condoms. Is that something I'm getting you or something you're getting yourself?" 
• Supportive comments might include: "If you don't use a condom and get an STD your junk will burn and drip until you wish you were never born." Or, "Do you know where they need to swab to confirm an STD?" Then, shudder visibly for extra effect.

2.  Morning After Pill

• Depending on where you live this could have varying levels of complexity. Know the laws.
• Your kids should be aware that this exists and is designed for situations where condom breaks or where you accidentally forget to use one. They should know where to get it.
• Supportive comments might include: "You don't have to tell me all the gory details but if you or any of your friends need the Morning After Pill and you can't get it on your own I can help you."

3. No.

• You are allowed to say no to sex. There is a video with tea that you might want to watch with them here.
• Or you can text it to them and tell them to watch it.
• You may want to quiz your kids on this topic for example: "What if you are in the middle of hooking up and you change your mind?" And the reverse: "What if someone changes their mind on you? Are they allowed?" 
• Supportive comments might include: "It's your body and you can say No any time. If you ever need me to come and get you, call me. I won't ask any questions."

4. Sex at Parties

• If you hook up or fool around or have sex with someone you only kinda know at a party, you are taking the following risks:
• The person might tell everyone your private business and you might be embarrassed (this includes taking potentially embarrassing pictures of you while you aren't paying attention and posting them even if you don't want them to)
• If you are a boy and have sex with a girl and she gets pregnant it's up to her whether or not she wants to continue with the pregnancy and keep the baby and THERE IS NOTHING YOU CAN DO ABOUT IT
• If you are hooking up with someone who is drunk and therefore can't consent to sex you might GET ARRESTED AND CHARGED WITH ASSAULT
• Your kids need to know that this is risky
• Supportive questions might include: "If you get into trouble at a party, do you know how to get out of it?" "What if one of your friends needs help? Do you have a code or something so that you can call each other?" 

5. Heteronormativity

• This means acting like girls will only like boys and boys will only like girls. In fact, there is tons of variability here and there is really no reason to assume that your children will be heterosexual, cis gendered or binary. If you don't know what I'm talking about ask your kids.
• Therefore, when talking about dating and sex with them you may want to consider avoiding pronouns or using he or she or they. I personally get tripped up with they so unless someone asks me I find it easier to be vague. 
• So here's an example. Instead of saying "Were there any cute boys at the party?" you may want to say "Anyone worth discussing at the party?" 
• Or, if discussing sleepover rules, instead of saying "You can't have girls sleep over", you may want to say "No sleepovers with people you are dating."

Complaint Tie-Ins

1. Many of us have complaints/issues re Mother's Day so I thought I'd create a diversion
2. This is the one day a year where your children are not allowed to complain about how annoying/embarrassing you are so I thought you could use this time wisely
3. Rather than complain about the gifts I want like for example clean your rooms please and am not getting, I thought I would ask for a gift from you.
4. And, in case you haven't figured it out yet, this post is actually my Mother's Day present to you! 

Happy Mother's Day

Civil Servant Job Security

(Click here to read yesterday's post so that this story makes sense)

Birth certificate, eligibility document, daughter T and I go to her new school for tour and registration.

Emerge two hours later with lots of information, excitement and long list of errands to complete.

Take a wrong turn and accidentally end up at Amy Schumer's new movie.

Turn phones off.

Emerge two hours later feeling pretty. 

Turn phones back on and have multiple messages, an insta DM  and a snapchat all from son G.

He is looking for his birth certificate.

(That's hilarious. He read my blog.)

He also needs his citizenship.

(Oh. Not joking. And clearly hasn't read it.)

He is finna (fixing to) get his SIN number (like SSN but Canadian) which he had and lost. He went to get another copy of his SIN number and the government office people said he needs his birth certificate and his citizenship even though he already registered for a SIN and it is in the government office computer. 

He came back home to get his birth certificate and citizenship and couldn't find them. I didn't answer my phone because I was laughing my head off in a suburban movieplex  in an important meeting. His stress did not de-escalate.

Potential new job calls and tells him they need his SIN by 4pm. Government office closes at 4pm. It is now 3:17.

Again, stress level not shrinking as clock ticks.

Luckily I know exactly where the documents are because I had them in my hand yesterday.

I tell him to look in gray folder on my desk.

He says it's not there.

I tell him to look in gray folder in my drawer.

He says it's not there.

G says. I just found a gray folder. The only thing in it is T's birth certificate.

That can't be possible. T's birth certificate, second copy and third extra copy are all in folder with me.

(If there's a fourth copy I don't want to know about it now).

I suggest FaceTime.

He hangs up.

Calls his girlfriend.

She says. No problem. I read your mother's blog. It says your documents are in a pink folder.

Oh hey G says. Here is my birth certificate. In a purple folder. Don't believe the blog. Mom makes everything up.

Lessons Learned:

1. You wonder why there are such long lines at government offices. Now you know.

2. Rules of Creative Non-Fiction include merging characters, timelines and locations but substituting pink for purple could actually cause a problem.

3. Turning off your phone in movies not only prevents disturbing your neighbours but actually prevents you from being disturbed as well.

Why I Love Tim Horton's

I have three kids.

All of whom have birth certificates. (Or so you would think.)

Youngest daughter T is changing schools.

Had to be accepted academically.

Check.

Had to be accepted on athletic side.

Check.

Last step.

Have to make registration appointment.

Check.

Actual last step.

Have to show up to registration appointment with birth certificate and eligibility (Quebec thing).

Go to desk. Get out folder labelled Complaints Unresolved Bayshore Important Documents.

There is my birth certificate. Marriage document. Citizenship for G who was born in US. Birth certificate for B. Birth certificate for G.

Lovely but not helpful.

Clean desk using certified archeological tools and hazmat suit. Find nothing.

Go through 37 tote bags stuffed under desk the rest of the neatly labelled folders. Nothing.

Look at work.

Nope.

Give up.

Take out pen and write to do list including having to call new school and switch registration appointment because will have to re-order copy of birth certificate, which I already had to do due to losing it once before and having learned nothing have stored both copies together in file which is now missing.

Not looking forward to calling the school.

What do we do when we have a to do list ripe with items we would like to avoid?

Reach into bottom right hand filing cabinet to get Tim Horton's pod from Costco sized pod box. By the time I walk over to office kitchen, heat water, make coffee, wait till it cools enough to drink, I'll be able to call the sch- Wait, what's in that flamingo pink folder leaning against and marginally slipping under
the Tim Horton's Costco pod box?

Oh.

Here it is.

First birth certificate. Copy of birth certificate. Birth certificate. Eligibility.

Morals of the Story:
1. Tim Horton's Costco pods may be cheaper than buying in-store but the value they deliver is priceless
2. To do lists are valuable but not necessarily in the ways you would think
3. Keurig coffee makers may be bad for the environment but sometimes they can save your ass

Garbage IN, Garbage -

Get home and see that garbage has not been picked up from inside garbage can.

However.

There was an extra bag of garbage leaning against the dirt brown garbage bin in a yellow plastic bag that costs ten bucks and is only available at city hall. That bag has been picked up.

But the garbage inside the can is still inside the can.

Call City Hall.

Hi. My garbage was not picked up today.

Yes?

I need to have the garbage picked up because Jewish Holiday of Passover is around the corner and apart from not eating bread for a week we generate a lot of extra garbage.

Yes I know.  We will have an extra pick up on Friday because of the no-bread-eating-garbage-generating Holiday.

Excellent. But what about the garbage in the can now? I need it picked up today.

Was the garbage in the garbage can?

Yes. I just said that.

Was the garbage can closed?

Well, it couldn't close all the way because it was filled with, er, garbage.

Was the garbage sufficiently compressed?

Compressed? You mean did I push it down?

Yes. You need to push the garbage down.

Ok. Thank you.

(Go outside. Push garbage down so that lid closes.)

Call back City Hall.  I have pushed all my garbage down so now the can closes. 

Garbage is in can and can closes?  Are you sure you didn't press it down too much? If the garbage is too compressed we will not be able to pick it up. 

Complaint Tie-Ins

1. Now that we have Composting and Recycling to deal with, Garbage does not have a right to be so particular
2. I feel like there's a Passover/Passing Over joke to be made here but I can't get the line right
3. The expression "it's not rocket science" shall henceforth be replaced by "it's not garbage collection"
   

Canadians on Phones Not Drinking Coffee

Rainy gray weather with expectations of more snow cause thoughts to turn to piles of hot coffee.

(This may because am doing a two week detox with no access to coffee.)

Thoughts also turn to summer vacation and no time like the present to nail down annual beach vacation which includes a ferry reservation and they sell coffee on the boat.

Credit card declined.

Try again, maybe mistyped or forgot to check I ACCEPT box.

Declined.

Sip mint tea. Shed tear.

Try again, use Second Credit Card.

Declined.

Realize this may have happened before, tracing to Canadian Postal Codes which have letters in them and therefore are not recognized by Zip Code box.

Glance longingly at Travel Mug and call Customer Service.

Blah blah blah ferry reservation, blah blah declined, blah blah Canadian.

Oh, Hon. Customer Service says. I don't have access to those reservations yet. I will only have them on my computer as of January 30th. Till then, you can only book online.

But I can't book online. I have free healthcare.

Wish I can help ya. Maybe try typing in your Zip without the lettahs (best part of calling Massachussetts).

Try without lettahs.

No.

Sip mint tea again. Nine more days.

Try several more things that don't work.

Call Customer Service back.

Someone else answers the phone.

Blah blah blah ferry reservation blah blah declined blah blah Canadian. Is there a way around this?

Yeah, sure Hon. I'm going to sell you a Gift Cahd, and then you're going to use the Gift Cahd to pay for the reservation. How much is your reservation?

It disappeared while I was clicking around looking for your phone numbah, I mean, number. Should I call you back?

I'll hold while you find it.

Find it, type it in, get desired reservation, pay using Gift Cahd. Check, check, check.

Thank you to Customer Service Person Two for giving me excellent Customer Service.

Maybe if I call a third time someone will pour me a coffee.

Complaint Lessons Learned:

1. Sometimes Customer Service people actually want to give excellent customer service.
2. If you don't get what you want, you can call back and try again. Chances are you will get someone else who wants to help you.
3. If you are looking online for a two week detox, try to find one that's sponsored by someone who knows what they're doing.

Don't Judge a Backpack by its Cover

Party at our place and kids are welcome to invite a few friends.

Several guests show up ages 14-16.

No one appears outwardly sketchy but then again I have a wide berth dating back to my time at the Thunderdome (1986-88).

But actually there is that one girl wearing a full backpack in the house.

Are you sure it's not a purse.

Um yes. She's also carrying a purse, more of a fanny pack if you must know. That is definitely a matching backpack and it is not coming off.

Chips, soda, pizza, veg platter.

Backpack still on.

Possible theories:

1. She is smuggling diamonds and signed a blood oath with the big boss not to let the backpack out of her sight.
2. There is alcohol stashed in the backpack and she doesn't want the adults to see it and take it away.
3. There is alcohol stashed in the backpack and she doesn't want the adults anyone else to drink it.
4. There are drugs stashed in the backpack and she's afraid that one of our dogs has a powerful snout. (We don't have dogs so this might be the least likely theory.)

Ice cream, cake, fruit kabobs served.

Backpack still on.

Do you think we should say something?

Like what. I tried Can I Take Your Coat and it didn't work. Neither did Take Your Backpack Off and Stay Awhile.

Blah blah blah with other guests and notice crowd is gathering around Backpack girl on the staircase.

Slowly back up to where I can fully spy casually see what's up.

She is unzipping the backpack.

Other kids are leaning in.

Is that a diamond glinting in her hand? Was that the winning theory?

No. 

The light is reflecting off the shiny gold wrapping paper. 

What the?

Backpack is pulling wrapped gifts out of the, er, backpack and handing them to the other guests ages 14-16. 

A snow globe.

Calendar.

Toblerone.

Huh. Guess things have changed since the Thunderdome.

Lessons Learned

1. Don't judge a book by it's cover unless it's my book cover which I love so feel free to judge me by it and don't judge a Backpack when you don't know what's inside it.
2. On the other hand Backpack might have a false bottom to hide the diamonds.
3. Like I said, Don't Judge.

Pineapple Fanta Was My Favourite

Have a Google Alert set to my name. Usually this means alerts about someone named Amy who caught a large Bass in a Southern state.

(This information will become relevant in a sec. )

Land in Atlanta and first stop is diner breakfast for omelettes and spuds for farm to table poached eggs and slices of organic hydroponic free trade tomato.

Diner packed which means we chose well and people not necessarily being served in the order in which their call was received in order of arrival.

Servers wearing t-shirts that say on the back "Relax...It's Just Eggs."

How Perfect Is That.

Day Three in Atlanta give talk about how to deal with complaints. Mention in talk that not every complaint resolution has to be complicated and that sometimes we need to "Relax...It's Just Eggs."

Day Four in Atlanta more fun was had as an example go to World of Coke and drink all kinds of sugary drinks including an Asian soda that tastes like veggies very fresh glasses of water.

Ok, Amy, so are people in Atlanta named Amy? Are they catching fish?

Probably and probably but didn't meet any of either.

Did the World of Coke have a fish flavour?

Mercifully no.

So where are we going here?

(Trust me.)

Home a few weeks when Google Alert blinks with Amy Fish and guess what. It's me.

Turns out someone at the talk was writing a story and I had no idea.

Click here to read it and see the photo of me in uniform.

Lessons Learned:
1. Be careful what you say in a talk because there might be someone quoting you and you don't even realize it.
2. Yes I was fishing in a Southern state but not in the traditional sense of the word.