Wednesday, 29 May 2013

Another Reason Not To Change Your Name When You Get Married

N's mother very sadly passed away in 2004.

Dying wish was grass-only grave.

There will be no flowers growing out of my head, Mom of N declared. It gives me the creeps.

Several hundred rainy Sundays later, N is at cemetery visiting multiple deceased relatives.

Hey are those pansies on Mom's head?

Turns out there were, indeed, flowers in full bloom on the heretofore grass-only grave.

Waits till business hours.

Calls cemetery.

There seems to be a problem.


Cemetery says: Aren't you Mrs. Cohen?


Well we put the pansies on Mrs. Cohen's grave.

No you didn't. You put them on Mrs. Goldberg's grave.

You are Mrs. Cohen. We put them on your mother's grave.

I changed my name when I got married. I am Mrs. Cohen. My mother in law, Mrs. Cohen, g-d rest her soul, wanted flowers on her grave. You put the flowers on Mrs. Goldberg's grave.

Mrs. Goldberg didn't want flowers?

No. My mother, Mrs. Goldberg of blessed memory, wanted a grass-only resting place.

Mrs. Cohen?

Yes that's me. (Finally we are getting some where.)

We have just changed our computer system.  With the new  computer, you are the daughter of Mrs. Cohen.  There is no way on the new screen to have a Mrs. Cohen as the daughter of a Mrs. Goldberg.  Hey, that must be how your mother, blessed for all eternity, ended up with flowers in the first place.

Now that we have figured it out, can we update the screens.

I am sorry but that will be impossible.  I have to check with my boss before I make any changes in the system.  You understand, no doubt, that I answer to a higher authority.

Don't we all.

Monday, 27 May 2013

Hey, I'm Just Here to Drop Off A Book

5:26pm. Sun shining. Leafy suburban street.

Ring the doorbell.

Shadowy figure gestures Hang On A Sec.

93 seconds elapse.

Door opens.

Sorry we couldn't get to the door sooner, sixtysomething father of friend says.

My wife was naked, and I wasn't wearing any pants.

Wednesday, 15 May 2013

Book Complaint

Wrote book.

Turns out they give awards for best non-fiction and best first book.

Delivered my books in person.

Yes, to the right place.

Yes, I was also on time.

(Thank you for the vote of confidence).

Went to Edmonton. Hightailed it immediately to stopped at very crucial errand.

Checked e-mail.

Big Mistake.

Book disqualified.

No non-literary books allowed. No cookbooks. No "How-To" Manuals. No "self-help" books.

You must be so disappointed, e-mail said.

Immediately called and calmly asked for explanation.

Was told it was a grey area. Major concern: If book goes forward, and wins, and someone contests it because it is technically a self-help book, what will they say?

(Resisted the urge to recommend possible responses.)

So disappointed.

Called my husband.

Sobbed hysterically.

Left store empty handed as red t-shirted and beige panted employees gently backed away.

Complaint Tie-Ins

1.  Perfectly good shopping experience crucial errand ruined by checking e-mail.

2.  No amount of complaining, effective or otherwise, will change jury's decision, which according to all the fine print, is final

3. Book was disqualified because it is good. Had it been bad, and stood absolutely no chance of winning, it would have been no threat to anyone and would therefore not been disqualified.

4. Does this not remind you of the time I lost my cool in the library? What is it with me and literature that is just so damn sensitive? Maybe need to screw the book thing and take up basketweaving.

Thursday, 9 May 2013

Not Sure Who Has A Bigger Complaint

Get on the plane, exhausted.

Lady next to me has no magazine, historical romance, crochet needles or earphones.

Bad sign.

As predicted, she gave me:

And that's when the 88 year old woman straddled Ginger, our miniature horse

the tree trunk all the way to the left of the page, showing that she lives in the past

So just because of that, Ron and I aren't allowed in our daughter-in-law's house any more

Ever since I gave Mom's eulogy, I've been attracted to the colour blue - before that, it was all about brown, but now I feel blue is a spiritual colour

the Victims Assistance unit of the RCMP, and I think the worst call was in December, when

My response:

I just wrote a book. Wanna read it?

Wednesday, 8 May 2013

How To Live to Be 100

Friend has Grandpa who has been driving same sedan for 16 years.

Just got admitted to hospital for variety of minor ailments.

Driver's License unfortunately revoked minutes shy of 100th birthday.

Much discussion about how to get rid of car.

Family trying to donate car to disabled children, foundation for lung disease, battered women.

Women and children understandably not thrilled with prospect of 16 year old sedan.

Found someone to take car off hands.

Grandpa, where are the keys?

To what?

Your car (sighing gently).

Got rid of the car. Put an ad in the paper, guy showed up with $4000 cash, gave him the keys.

Shocked looks.

Did you think I was waiting around for you to take care of it?